Time is on my side...

Have you ever been "right on time" to a meeting, event, or whatever to find out that you're actually 3 minutes late? You get all excited and stoked because you're actually on time for once and then you find out from whomever you're meeting with that you're actually late. How deflating right? Sadness ensues and you're left wondering "why did I think I was on time then?". Then you just find out whatever clock or time piece you used was 5 minutes behind and you think to yourself "well, who's to say my time wasn't right and that other person's time was just fast?" This leads me to think of times where I'm in someone else's car, and I look at the time in their car, and it says like 11:05, and I look at my phone and it says 11:02 and then their phone says 11:03, and then the bank we drive by says 11:09 (is it just me or do bank's clocks always have the most far off time compared to everyone else's?). Time is a crazy, complicated thing. Way beyond our comprehension.

So many times it just gets away from us. Like the fact it's currently a week away from Thanksgiving, and it seemed like just yesterday that it was the end of July. This happens to me all the time in small increments. I'll be getting ready to go to a certain thing, whether that's meeting a friend somewhere (and YES, I do have friends... well, a couple...) or to play in a flag football game, or to show up to work "on time" and I'll have plenty of time to get there, and I'll think to myself "Maybe I should go now? Well, I don't want to be too early. I'll wait around for a little bit, maybe read something or watch something on TV for a little bit, then I'll go and be a few minutes early." Next thing I know, I look at the time, and yep, I'm going to be late rather than early... That happens all the time.

It happened to my mom one time when I was in preschool... (She's going to hate that I'm sharing this story) Cute little toddler Chris (and believe me, I was cute, I'm not just saying that) was getting done with his morning preschool class, and was waiting along with his fellow preschool classmates to get picked up and go home... As time passed, his friends were finding their parents, jumping into their arms and their cars, and going home... Chris still waited... The numbers were starting to dwindle... Soon, it was just Chris and his preschool teacher... He sat at the table, head down, dejected, coloring what must have been a preschool masterpiece... Eventually his mother ran in the door, looked at her son, apologized for her tardiness (which was probably only 10 minutes tops but what seemed like an eternity to a preschooler) and all he did was keep his head down, got in the car with his mother, ignoring her attempts at peacemaking intent on letting her feel the neglect of love that he was feeling at the moment. Why did this happen? All because "time got away". She got lost reading a book and wasn't aware of the time till my older brother Joe asked her, "where's Chris?".

Time is a funny thing, and I think about it all the time. Is the time on my clock the real time? Who's to say that the time it is right now really is that time? What about all these time zones? It's one time here in Kansas and in Italy it's seven hours different. That's several thousand miles. Yet, several thousand miles south it's the same time... And why does it feel like as the years continue (I'm 25... How did that happen?) time keeps flying by faster and faster?

But mostly, I contemplate how God is outside of time... That phrase "outside of time" just seems incomprehensible... And it is! Because we're in time, how can we understand what it means to be outside of time. Time is not a factor for God. We see time in this linear fashion. That's why timelines were always popular projects in social studies back in the day. But with God, that's not the case. It's as if all of time were just right there in front of Him, not in any linear fashion, but in some way that none of us could ever comprehend. These thoughts usually find themselves always coming back to one simple scripture passage from Paul's letter to the Galatians... "But when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, so that we might receive adoption." (Galatians 4: 4-5). Fullness of time... What does that even mean!?!?!? When the fullness of time had come, God sent Jesus Christ into this world, born of Mary and under the Jewish law so that all of us, those born, and yet to be born might receive adoption into His family! And, every time I think of it, although it is still a mystery to me, I believe it means that Jesus came EXACTLY when He was supposed to come. Not a minute too soon, not a minute too late, EXACTLY WHEN HE WAS MEANT TO. Yeah, that seems like an easy conclusion to come to, but is it easy to believe? Did Christ really come exactly when He was supposed to? So if He came a day earlier, a month later, a couple years before, what would have happened? These questions don't even matter because only God knows EXACTLY the right time. Only God sees the whole picture and only God knows exactly when that picture needs another element and where. And the thoughts go on.

These thoughts really help me in my understanding of discernment and prayer. First, about discernment. If I were to look back and consider when was it that I truly began "discerning" my vocation, whether God is calling me to be a priest or to be married, it had to have been my junior year of college when I started "Samuel Group" with the faithful, joy-filled sisters of the Apostles of the Interior Life (truly a beautiful order with an amazing charism! here's their website http://www.apostolevitainteriore.it/apostlesofil/index.html). This was a group of young adults joining together for the same goal. To figure out God's call for their life. And this was 5 years ago!!! That means I have been discerning my vocation, off and on, for 5 years!!! That is one fifth of my life spent in discernment! And, I don't know if you could tell or not from all the exclamation points I've used in the past couple sentences, but there has been a lot of frustration along with it. I want to follow God's will for my life. I've prayed along with Christ in His agony "Not my will, but yours be done" (not as faithfully as He of course. A lot of doubt and fear comes along with that prayer). But I still don't know what that is. I still don't know which direction to follow. And, in this time, where a lot of good friends are mine are dating seriously, or engaged, or already married, it leaves me looking around, thinking, "man, shouldn't I figure this out pretty quick?" But there is hope. And I find this hope in the simple phrase "fullness of time". Christ came in the fullness of time. That's because God works in the fullness of time. And if God works in the fullness of time, He will work in that same manner according to my vocation. I believe I will know my vocation, what God is calling me to, what God has created me for, in the "fullness of time". I'll know exactly when I'm supposed to know. Not a minute sooner, not a minute later, precisely when God wants me to know, I shall know. Certainly, I cannot just sit back with this thought and think He will reveal it to me when I'm supposed to know. Revelation comes through experience. I must act towards figuring out my vocation, but I must do so with the trust and faith that God will let me know my vocation when I am supposed to know. This is definitely not easy, but I find so much hope from it that peace resides in my heart rather than angst. And this is the same for those who know they are called to marriage, but have not found "the one". For them, I suggest that they will know in the fullness of time. Exactly when God wants them to know. But, that doesn't mean they should just sit back and expect that "one" to find them. They must work towards it, and God will reveal it to them through their experiences. So, let us take faith in that. God cares for us. He created us for something great. And as much as we want to know what that is RIGHT NOW, let us know when God wants us to know. In the fullness of time. And until that time, let us enjoy what time we have until then rather than be frustrated and anxious.

Now, regarding the fullness of time in our prayer, this is something I find really special. We all have our prayers that we pray. We all have our worries we cast upon the Lord. We all have those things that we pray for. Whatever that is, we believe and find hope in the fact that God answers our prayers. For, how would God be a loving God if He did not answer our prayers? But, often we find that what we pray for, we believe or feel goes unanswered. We say this because we pray and we pray and we pray and as time goes by, it seems our intention has not been heard, for nothing has changed. But truly, look at your prayers. Look at your prayers through your life. Some prayers God is quicker to answer then others (Humility, patience... These prayers I am scared to ask for any more, because every time I have prayed for "more humility" or "more patience", the second I end that prayer it feels, God provides me an opportunity to practice it, whether that is through some humiliation in front of others, or the SLOW moving traffic in front of me on the way home from the Chapel). But I guarantee that He answers them! Just in a matter of time that's different than what you want.

I say this because I have for a while kept a prayer journal. When I first started it, I used it mainly to help with my meditation. I would write down the excerpts from whatever spiritual reading or scripture I was using that really stood out to me, and writing them down seemed to sink in deeper for me. And allowed me to read that and just that. And then I would end by doing a "Dear Diary" but rather turn it into a prayer addressing it "Father" and go into what was on my heart and what I needed help with. I bring this up because I found my first prayer journal that I started a while ago. And, I was intrigued to see what it was like, so I started reading it. As I continued reading, and seeing what I was praying for at the time, I began to realize these prayers that I had were answered... Although if felt like weeks had gone by praying the same prayer and never feeling like they were being answered, eventually, these prayers were answered and in the exact way that I was hoping they would! I continued reading my prayers, and again, I kept finding my prayers were being answered, just in a matter of time that wasn't what I had wanted.

But this is SO HARD for us to deal with or understand! We're all stuck in this culture that breeds instant gratification! If my quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and unnecessarily large coke that I ordered through the drive-thru isn't in my hands in less than five minutes after I ordered it, complaints start formulating in my head. If the person in front of me at the register in the grocery store is taking forever to pull out all their coupons and then for some reason something gets messed up, a small fury starts in my innermost being, upset that it's taking longer than I expected. If the website that I just typed into my web browser is taking a few seconds longer to upload then my cable-speed internet usually allows, I start thinking to myself "Gosh, this internet connection is horrible! There must be something wrong." We say to ourselves sometimes "I don't have all the time in the world"... But God does. It's all in front of Him. And when it comes to what we pray for, God answers our prayers in the fullness of time. EXACTLY WHEN HE KNOWS THEY MUST BE ANSWERED! This often isn't the time span we are hoping for. But can we not find faith in this, and truly find hope in this?!?! God answers our prayers! That shows that He truly does care for us! Every single one of us! Some times I think to myself, "How can God answer every single one of our prayers? I mean does He know how many people are on this earth?" Or I think to myself the moment I just prayed for patience, I find myself stuck behind THE SLOWEST DRIVER IN THE WORLD (not necessarily true, but we all live in hyperbole at some point right?) and I think to myself, "Great, God, I get it... You want me to practice this patience I asked for. Ok, I understand. I'll work on it" But then I think "How prideful am I to think that my little prayer for patience is such a concern for God that immediately He will provide me an opportunity to practice it and in such a way that He would work it out so that I would find myself behind this very slow driver?"... But then again, why wouldn't He? First of all, coordinating such an attack isn't too much for God! Who am I to put a ceiling on His glory and what He can do? And second of all, of course He cares for me enough to answer my prayers in such a way and in such a time that He seems fit for my salvation so that I can be as I was created and some day be with Him in Heaven. HE CARES FOR ALL OF US IN SUCH A WAY THAT HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN DO TO BRING US SALVATION! (of course, keeping to our free will, the greatest gift He has ever given us out of His love. He will never force anything upon us, for He loves us too much. So sometimes, we have to answer our own prayers by the actions we must take. He still gives us the strength to do so if we but ask for it.)

What I'm getting at is that God ALWAYS ANSWERS OUR PRAYERS! Just not always in the time we want Him to. (And not necessarily in the way we want Him to either, but that's a topic for a whole different blog). So persevere! Continue praying for whatever is on your heart. If it's on your heart, it is there for a reason! God created all of our hearts for a reason! And eventually, in the fullness of time, in God's time (Kairos! Gotta love it!) your prayers will be answered. We must have patience, we must have trust, we must have faith. And we must always believe in the undeniable, unending love that God has for each of us.

So I end with the title of this blog... Time is on my side... For God is on my side...