"Missing out" is a term that no one really likes to use. Unless sarcastically. Then it's pretty fun. You know like "Hey, want to run with me at 5am tomorrow morning?" "I know I'm missing out, but I can't make it". Or "Would you like some green bean casserole from this delicious Thanksgiving meal?" "No thanks! I know, I know... I'm missing out." Or how about "You should totally go to that Taylor Swift concert with me next September!" "As much as I'd feel like I'd be missing out, I'm going to have to pass on that one." (or would I really say that? Love me some Taylor Swift! "You belong with me" has always been one of my favs!)
Usually that term comes in some form of "I feel like I'm always missing out." The idea that you see other people or know of other people, whether that is friends or family or even just random people, doing something that you wish you could be doing, but for whatever reason, you can't. This is how I felt most of my life up until I was in 4th grade or so. Regarding what you might ask? Having friends? NO! I had friends thank you very much! Sitting on the bench during baseball watching others play? NO! I was even on the "All-Star" team one year. I played! Watching my parents love my siblings rather than me? NO! Sure, their names all start with a "J", but I'm well-loved by my parents. Probably their favorite! Then what was it? SWIMMING IN THE DEEP END AT THE POOL! I couldn't do it. Had a terrible fear of swimming. I was what one might call a "clinger". No, I did not get overly attached in a relationship and try to spend all my time with a girl and keep her to myself. I was afraid of girls! Still am. They're scary. What I really meant by clinger was that I would jump into the deep end, right by the wall so that I could pop-up really quick, grab the side of the pool and scoot my way to the ladder. A clinger. I clung to the side of the pool like my life depended on it! Which it did! I didn't know how to swim! I would watch my siblings and cousins and friends jump off the diving board, dive deep to the bottom, have a ball in the deep end, and I would always feel like I was missing out. That I could be having so much more fun, if I just wasn't afraid to swim in the deep end. I eventually learned how to swim. Not very well. Was a life guard two summers even. Thankfully as a lifeguard you have that flotation device. But, whenever I think about not being able to swim in the deep end for so long, I always remember that feeling of missing out.
We all feel at some point like we're "missing out". Lately, I've been encountering it in a different way. Whether from my own feelings, or those of a friend, I keep encountering this feeling of "missing out" living a life as a disciple of Christ, compared to a life that is "of this world". There seems to be this overwhelming feeling that living this life devoted to Jesus Christ, trying to do my best to be a good Christian man, is keeping me from experiencing the world as those who live in the world and of the world do. People, in all walks of life, seem to give into what the world tells them they should be doing to "enjoy life" rather than what Jesus Christ tells us brings life. And I'm left questioning at times "Am I missing out on living life because I'm living a life of Christian dignity and striving towards virtue rather than doing what makes me "feel good" or what the world tells me "feels good""? Am I missing out because I am not giving into what mainstream culture says is "living"? Am I missing out because I'm living a life that is somewhat countercultural, a life of sacrifice and devotion to God and serving others? Am I missing out because my thoughts often are of God and things of God rather than of what TV show I want to watch or what party I was at the past weekend? Am I missing out because I'm trying to live a life that Jesus Christ calls us to?
I've thought about this, and prayed about this, and contemplated this idea and talked about it with others, and I keep coming back to the same idea. And that is an overwhelming and overpowering NO! NO I AM NOT MISSING OUT! In fact, I strongly believe the question is who really is missing out? Is it the person who is striving and driving and fighting towards Christ? Or is it the person who doesn't know Christ? Who has never had a true encounter with Christ? Who has never known or never believed in the love that Christ has for them? Or who has never served alongside another in the name of Christ? Who has never understood the beauty there is in sacrifice and suffering? Who has never experienced the peace and serenity that comes from spending time with a God who cares and desires our good?
Who is really missing out? This question and resounding answer has been all the more reinforced in my faith because of a simple passage from St. Paul in his second letter to the Corinthians:
"We are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18
Therefore I AM NOT DISCOURAGED!!! Although my outer self, the self that lives in this world is wasting away, my inner self is being renewed DAY BY DAY by a God in Jesus Christ who is LIVING and truly living WITHIN ME! And although living this life in this world brings a light affliction for it is not easy swimming against the current, which is the way of this world, IT IS ONLY MOMENTARY! And this momentary light affliction is producing for us all an ETERNAL WEIGHT OF GLORY BEYOND ALL COMPARISON!!! What we do in this life can produce an eternal weight of glory! It can be heavy for others who are not use to this weight of glory that living a life in devotion to Christ may bring, and they will definitely feel that weight and show disgust or their dislike towards it, some times in persecution towards you, but THEY CAN DEAL WITH IT! As John Eldredge said in his book "Wild at Heart" "LET THE WORLD FEEL THE WEIGHT OF WHO YOU ARE, AND LET THEM DEAL WITH IT." (Great book by the way: http://www.amazon.com/Wild-Heart-Discovering-Secret-Hardcover/dp/B002XN3J3W/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1291137702&sr=8-3, check it out) And all the more so because as St. Paul says, what is seen is merely transitory! It will pass away! The things of this world will some day be no more! But what is unseen is ETERNAL! It will last forever! That weight of glory that comes along with living a life for Christ is ETERNAL! It reminds me of how in the book "The Dialogue of St. Catherine of Siena" (Great book too! Pretty heavy reading! http://www.amazon.com/Catherine-Siena-Dialogue-Classics-Spirituality/dp/0809122332/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291137934&sr=1-1), it at one point mentions how this life on earth is merely transitory and they used the analogy that this life is just the needlepoint of a needle. Just the point! The rest of the needle is eternity! What do you want to live for?
So it leads me to ask again, who is really missing out? What part of the needle do you really want to be "missing out" on? The point, or the entire needle itself? And even in living a life where Christ is my center and Christ is my goal, even in the short time that I have given towards this, I have experienced more joy and love and goodness and beauty and truth then I believe I could in a thousand lifetimes without it! Certainly there will be grief and hurt and loneliness that comes along with sacrifice, but that makes the joy, the happiness, the companionship all the more beautiful and worth it!
Sometimes, it seems like when you're not swimming in the deep end of the pleasures of this world, or you're not freely jumping off the diving board of experiences with this life on earth, you're missing out. But I believe being a clinger, clinging on to the strong foundation of faith in a God who loves you and wants what's best for you, clinging close to Christ and what truly brings life, while still swimming in the water of this world... Experiencing the eternal weight of glory... That's what truly brings life. That's what truly makes one feel alive. And those who don't know this, they're the ones who are truly "missing out".
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Time is on my side...
Have you ever been "right on time" to a meeting, event, or whatever to find out that you're actually 3 minutes late? You get all excited and stoked because you're actually on time for once and then you find out from whomever you're meeting with that you're actually late. How deflating right? Sadness ensues and you're left wondering "why did I think I was on time then?". Then you just find out whatever clock or time piece you used was 5 minutes behind and you think to yourself "well, who's to say my time wasn't right and that other person's time was just fast?" This leads me to think of times where I'm in someone else's car, and I look at the time in their car, and it says like 11:05, and I look at my phone and it says 11:02 and then their phone says 11:03, and then the bank we drive by says 11:09 (is it just me or do bank's clocks always have the most far off time compared to everyone else's?). Time is a crazy, complicated thing. Way beyond our comprehension.
So many times it just gets away from us. Like the fact it's currently a week away from Thanksgiving, and it seemed like just yesterday that it was the end of July. This happens to me all the time in small increments. I'll be getting ready to go to a certain thing, whether that's meeting a friend somewhere (and YES, I do have friends... well, a couple...) or to play in a flag football game, or to show up to work "on time" and I'll have plenty of time to get there, and I'll think to myself "Maybe I should go now? Well, I don't want to be too early. I'll wait around for a little bit, maybe read something or watch something on TV for a little bit, then I'll go and be a few minutes early." Next thing I know, I look at the time, and yep, I'm going to be late rather than early... That happens all the time.
It happened to my mom one time when I was in preschool... (She's going to hate that I'm sharing this story) Cute little toddler Chris (and believe me, I was cute, I'm not just saying that) was getting done with his morning preschool class, and was waiting along with his fellow preschool classmates to get picked up and go home... As time passed, his friends were finding their parents, jumping into their arms and their cars, and going home... Chris still waited... The numbers were starting to dwindle... Soon, it was just Chris and his preschool teacher... He sat at the table, head down, dejected, coloring what must have been a preschool masterpiece... Eventually his mother ran in the door, looked at her son, apologized for her tardiness (which was probably only 10 minutes tops but what seemed like an eternity to a preschooler) and all he did was keep his head down, got in the car with his mother, ignoring her attempts at peacemaking intent on letting her feel the neglect of love that he was feeling at the moment. Why did this happen? All because "time got away". She got lost reading a book and wasn't aware of the time till my older brother Joe asked her, "where's Chris?".
Time is a funny thing, and I think about it all the time. Is the time on my clock the real time? Who's to say that the time it is right now really is that time? What about all these time zones? It's one time here in Kansas and in Italy it's seven hours different. That's several thousand miles. Yet, several thousand miles south it's the same time... And why does it feel like as the years continue (I'm 25... How did that happen?) time keeps flying by faster and faster?
But mostly, I contemplate how God is outside of time... That phrase "outside of time" just seems incomprehensible... And it is! Because we're in time, how can we understand what it means to be outside of time. Time is not a factor for God. We see time in this linear fashion. That's why timelines were always popular projects in social studies back in the day. But with God, that's not the case. It's as if all of time were just right there in front of Him, not in any linear fashion, but in some way that none of us could ever comprehend. These thoughts usually find themselves always coming back to one simple scripture passage from Paul's letter to the Galatians... "But when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, so that we might receive adoption." (Galatians 4: 4-5). Fullness of time... What does that even mean!?!?!? When the fullness of time had come, God sent Jesus Christ into this world, born of Mary and under the Jewish law so that all of us, those born, and yet to be born might receive adoption into His family! And, every time I think of it, although it is still a mystery to me, I believe it means that Jesus came EXACTLY when He was supposed to come. Not a minute too soon, not a minute too late, EXACTLY WHEN HE WAS MEANT TO. Yeah, that seems like an easy conclusion to come to, but is it easy to believe? Did Christ really come exactly when He was supposed to? So if He came a day earlier, a month later, a couple years before, what would have happened? These questions don't even matter because only God knows EXACTLY the right time. Only God sees the whole picture and only God knows exactly when that picture needs another element and where. And the thoughts go on.
These thoughts really help me in my understanding of discernment and prayer. First, about discernment. If I were to look back and consider when was it that I truly began "discerning" my vocation, whether God is calling me to be a priest or to be married, it had to have been my junior year of college when I started "Samuel Group" with the faithful, joy-filled sisters of the Apostles of the Interior Life (truly a beautiful order with an amazing charism! here's their website http://www.apostolevitainteriore.it/apostlesofil/index.html). This was a group of young adults joining together for the same goal. To figure out God's call for their life. And this was 5 years ago!!! That means I have been discerning my vocation, off and on, for 5 years!!! That is one fifth of my life spent in discernment! And, I don't know if you could tell or not from all the exclamation points I've used in the past couple sentences, but there has been a lot of frustration along with it. I want to follow God's will for my life. I've prayed along with Christ in His agony "Not my will, but yours be done" (not as faithfully as He of course. A lot of doubt and fear comes along with that prayer). But I still don't know what that is. I still don't know which direction to follow. And, in this time, where a lot of good friends are mine are dating seriously, or engaged, or already married, it leaves me looking around, thinking, "man, shouldn't I figure this out pretty quick?" But there is hope. And I find this hope in the simple phrase "fullness of time". Christ came in the fullness of time. That's because God works in the fullness of time. And if God works in the fullness of time, He will work in that same manner according to my vocation. I believe I will know my vocation, what God is calling me to, what God has created me for, in the "fullness of time". I'll know exactly when I'm supposed to know. Not a minute sooner, not a minute later, precisely when God wants me to know, I shall know. Certainly, I cannot just sit back with this thought and think He will reveal it to me when I'm supposed to know. Revelation comes through experience. I must act towards figuring out my vocation, but I must do so with the trust and faith that God will let me know my vocation when I am supposed to know. This is definitely not easy, but I find so much hope from it that peace resides in my heart rather than angst. And this is the same for those who know they are called to marriage, but have not found "the one". For them, I suggest that they will know in the fullness of time. Exactly when God wants them to know. But, that doesn't mean they should just sit back and expect that "one" to find them. They must work towards it, and God will reveal it to them through their experiences. So, let us take faith in that. God cares for us. He created us for something great. And as much as we want to know what that is RIGHT NOW, let us know when God wants us to know. In the fullness of time. And until that time, let us enjoy what time we have until then rather than be frustrated and anxious.
Now, regarding the fullness of time in our prayer, this is something I find really special. We all have our prayers that we pray. We all have our worries we cast upon the Lord. We all have those things that we pray for. Whatever that is, we believe and find hope in the fact that God answers our prayers. For, how would God be a loving God if He did not answer our prayers? But, often we find that what we pray for, we believe or feel goes unanswered. We say this because we pray and we pray and we pray and as time goes by, it seems our intention has not been heard, for nothing has changed. But truly, look at your prayers. Look at your prayers through your life. Some prayers God is quicker to answer then others (Humility, patience... These prayers I am scared to ask for any more, because every time I have prayed for "more humility" or "more patience", the second I end that prayer it feels, God provides me an opportunity to practice it, whether that is through some humiliation in front of others, or the SLOW moving traffic in front of me on the way home from the Chapel). But I guarantee that He answers them! Just in a matter of time that's different than what you want.
I say this because I have for a while kept a prayer journal. When I first started it, I used it mainly to help with my meditation. I would write down the excerpts from whatever spiritual reading or scripture I was using that really stood out to me, and writing them down seemed to sink in deeper for me. And allowed me to read that and just that. And then I would end by doing a "Dear Diary" but rather turn it into a prayer addressing it "Father" and go into what was on my heart and what I needed help with. I bring this up because I found my first prayer journal that I started a while ago. And, I was intrigued to see what it was like, so I started reading it. As I continued reading, and seeing what I was praying for at the time, I began to realize these prayers that I had were answered... Although if felt like weeks had gone by praying the same prayer and never feeling like they were being answered, eventually, these prayers were answered and in the exact way that I was hoping they would! I continued reading my prayers, and again, I kept finding my prayers were being answered, just in a matter of time that wasn't what I had wanted.
But this is SO HARD for us to deal with or understand! We're all stuck in this culture that breeds instant gratification! If my quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and unnecessarily large coke that I ordered through the drive-thru isn't in my hands in less than five minutes after I ordered it, complaints start formulating in my head. If the person in front of me at the register in the grocery store is taking forever to pull out all their coupons and then for some reason something gets messed up, a small fury starts in my innermost being, upset that it's taking longer than I expected. If the website that I just typed into my web browser is taking a few seconds longer to upload then my cable-speed internet usually allows, I start thinking to myself "Gosh, this internet connection is horrible! There must be something wrong." We say to ourselves sometimes "I don't have all the time in the world"... But God does. It's all in front of Him. And when it comes to what we pray for, God answers our prayers in the fullness of time. EXACTLY WHEN HE KNOWS THEY MUST BE ANSWERED! This often isn't the time span we are hoping for. But can we not find faith in this, and truly find hope in this?!?! God answers our prayers! That shows that He truly does care for us! Every single one of us! Some times I think to myself, "How can God answer every single one of our prayers? I mean does He know how many people are on this earth?" Or I think to myself the moment I just prayed for patience, I find myself stuck behind THE SLOWEST DRIVER IN THE WORLD (not necessarily true, but we all live in hyperbole at some point right?) and I think to myself, "Great, God, I get it... You want me to practice this patience I asked for. Ok, I understand. I'll work on it" But then I think "How prideful am I to think that my little prayer for patience is such a concern for God that immediately He will provide me an opportunity to practice it and in such a way that He would work it out so that I would find myself behind this very slow driver?"... But then again, why wouldn't He? First of all, coordinating such an attack isn't too much for God! Who am I to put a ceiling on His glory and what He can do? And second of all, of course He cares for me enough to answer my prayers in such a way and in such a time that He seems fit for my salvation so that I can be as I was created and some day be with Him in Heaven. HE CARES FOR ALL OF US IN SUCH A WAY THAT HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN DO TO BRING US SALVATION! (of course, keeping to our free will, the greatest gift He has ever given us out of His love. He will never force anything upon us, for He loves us too much. So sometimes, we have to answer our own prayers by the actions we must take. He still gives us the strength to do so if we but ask for it.)
What I'm getting at is that God ALWAYS ANSWERS OUR PRAYERS! Just not always in the time we want Him to. (And not necessarily in the way we want Him to either, but that's a topic for a whole different blog). So persevere! Continue praying for whatever is on your heart. If it's on your heart, it is there for a reason! God created all of our hearts for a reason! And eventually, in the fullness of time, in God's time (Kairos! Gotta love it!) your prayers will be answered. We must have patience, we must have trust, we must have faith. And we must always believe in the undeniable, unending love that God has for each of us.
So I end with the title of this blog... Time is on my side... For God is on my side...
So many times it just gets away from us. Like the fact it's currently a week away from Thanksgiving, and it seemed like just yesterday that it was the end of July. This happens to me all the time in small increments. I'll be getting ready to go to a certain thing, whether that's meeting a friend somewhere (and YES, I do have friends... well, a couple...) or to play in a flag football game, or to show up to work "on time" and I'll have plenty of time to get there, and I'll think to myself "Maybe I should go now? Well, I don't want to be too early. I'll wait around for a little bit, maybe read something or watch something on TV for a little bit, then I'll go and be a few minutes early." Next thing I know, I look at the time, and yep, I'm going to be late rather than early... That happens all the time.
It happened to my mom one time when I was in preschool... (She's going to hate that I'm sharing this story) Cute little toddler Chris (and believe me, I was cute, I'm not just saying that) was getting done with his morning preschool class, and was waiting along with his fellow preschool classmates to get picked up and go home... As time passed, his friends were finding their parents, jumping into their arms and their cars, and going home... Chris still waited... The numbers were starting to dwindle... Soon, it was just Chris and his preschool teacher... He sat at the table, head down, dejected, coloring what must have been a preschool masterpiece... Eventually his mother ran in the door, looked at her son, apologized for her tardiness (which was probably only 10 minutes tops but what seemed like an eternity to a preschooler) and all he did was keep his head down, got in the car with his mother, ignoring her attempts at peacemaking intent on letting her feel the neglect of love that he was feeling at the moment. Why did this happen? All because "time got away". She got lost reading a book and wasn't aware of the time till my older brother Joe asked her, "where's Chris?".
Time is a funny thing, and I think about it all the time. Is the time on my clock the real time? Who's to say that the time it is right now really is that time? What about all these time zones? It's one time here in Kansas and in Italy it's seven hours different. That's several thousand miles. Yet, several thousand miles south it's the same time... And why does it feel like as the years continue (I'm 25... How did that happen?) time keeps flying by faster and faster?
But mostly, I contemplate how God is outside of time... That phrase "outside of time" just seems incomprehensible... And it is! Because we're in time, how can we understand what it means to be outside of time. Time is not a factor for God. We see time in this linear fashion. That's why timelines were always popular projects in social studies back in the day. But with God, that's not the case. It's as if all of time were just right there in front of Him, not in any linear fashion, but in some way that none of us could ever comprehend. These thoughts usually find themselves always coming back to one simple scripture passage from Paul's letter to the Galatians... "But when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, so that we might receive adoption." (Galatians 4: 4-5). Fullness of time... What does that even mean!?!?!? When the fullness of time had come, God sent Jesus Christ into this world, born of Mary and under the Jewish law so that all of us, those born, and yet to be born might receive adoption into His family! And, every time I think of it, although it is still a mystery to me, I believe it means that Jesus came EXACTLY when He was supposed to come. Not a minute too soon, not a minute too late, EXACTLY WHEN HE WAS MEANT TO. Yeah, that seems like an easy conclusion to come to, but is it easy to believe? Did Christ really come exactly when He was supposed to? So if He came a day earlier, a month later, a couple years before, what would have happened? These questions don't even matter because only God knows EXACTLY the right time. Only God sees the whole picture and only God knows exactly when that picture needs another element and where. And the thoughts go on.
These thoughts really help me in my understanding of discernment and prayer. First, about discernment. If I were to look back and consider when was it that I truly began "discerning" my vocation, whether God is calling me to be a priest or to be married, it had to have been my junior year of college when I started "Samuel Group" with the faithful, joy-filled sisters of the Apostles of the Interior Life (truly a beautiful order with an amazing charism! here's their website http://www.apostolevitainteriore.it/apostlesofil/index.html). This was a group of young adults joining together for the same goal. To figure out God's call for their life. And this was 5 years ago!!! That means I have been discerning my vocation, off and on, for 5 years!!! That is one fifth of my life spent in discernment! And, I don't know if you could tell or not from all the exclamation points I've used in the past couple sentences, but there has been a lot of frustration along with it. I want to follow God's will for my life. I've prayed along with Christ in His agony "Not my will, but yours be done" (not as faithfully as He of course. A lot of doubt and fear comes along with that prayer). But I still don't know what that is. I still don't know which direction to follow. And, in this time, where a lot of good friends are mine are dating seriously, or engaged, or already married, it leaves me looking around, thinking, "man, shouldn't I figure this out pretty quick?" But there is hope. And I find this hope in the simple phrase "fullness of time". Christ came in the fullness of time. That's because God works in the fullness of time. And if God works in the fullness of time, He will work in that same manner according to my vocation. I believe I will know my vocation, what God is calling me to, what God has created me for, in the "fullness of time". I'll know exactly when I'm supposed to know. Not a minute sooner, not a minute later, precisely when God wants me to know, I shall know. Certainly, I cannot just sit back with this thought and think He will reveal it to me when I'm supposed to know. Revelation comes through experience. I must act towards figuring out my vocation, but I must do so with the trust and faith that God will let me know my vocation when I am supposed to know. This is definitely not easy, but I find so much hope from it that peace resides in my heart rather than angst. And this is the same for those who know they are called to marriage, but have not found "the one". For them, I suggest that they will know in the fullness of time. Exactly when God wants them to know. But, that doesn't mean they should just sit back and expect that "one" to find them. They must work towards it, and God will reveal it to them through their experiences. So, let us take faith in that. God cares for us. He created us for something great. And as much as we want to know what that is RIGHT NOW, let us know when God wants us to know. In the fullness of time. And until that time, let us enjoy what time we have until then rather than be frustrated and anxious.
Now, regarding the fullness of time in our prayer, this is something I find really special. We all have our prayers that we pray. We all have our worries we cast upon the Lord. We all have those things that we pray for. Whatever that is, we believe and find hope in the fact that God answers our prayers. For, how would God be a loving God if He did not answer our prayers? But, often we find that what we pray for, we believe or feel goes unanswered. We say this because we pray and we pray and we pray and as time goes by, it seems our intention has not been heard, for nothing has changed. But truly, look at your prayers. Look at your prayers through your life. Some prayers God is quicker to answer then others (Humility, patience... These prayers I am scared to ask for any more, because every time I have prayed for "more humility" or "more patience", the second I end that prayer it feels, God provides me an opportunity to practice it, whether that is through some humiliation in front of others, or the SLOW moving traffic in front of me on the way home from the Chapel). But I guarantee that He answers them! Just in a matter of time that's different than what you want.
I say this because I have for a while kept a prayer journal. When I first started it, I used it mainly to help with my meditation. I would write down the excerpts from whatever spiritual reading or scripture I was using that really stood out to me, and writing them down seemed to sink in deeper for me. And allowed me to read that and just that. And then I would end by doing a "Dear Diary" but rather turn it into a prayer addressing it "Father" and go into what was on my heart and what I needed help with. I bring this up because I found my first prayer journal that I started a while ago. And, I was intrigued to see what it was like, so I started reading it. As I continued reading, and seeing what I was praying for at the time, I began to realize these prayers that I had were answered... Although if felt like weeks had gone by praying the same prayer and never feeling like they were being answered, eventually, these prayers were answered and in the exact way that I was hoping they would! I continued reading my prayers, and again, I kept finding my prayers were being answered, just in a matter of time that wasn't what I had wanted.
But this is SO HARD for us to deal with or understand! We're all stuck in this culture that breeds instant gratification! If my quarter pounder with cheese, fries, and unnecessarily large coke that I ordered through the drive-thru isn't in my hands in less than five minutes after I ordered it, complaints start formulating in my head. If the person in front of me at the register in the grocery store is taking forever to pull out all their coupons and then for some reason something gets messed up, a small fury starts in my innermost being, upset that it's taking longer than I expected. If the website that I just typed into my web browser is taking a few seconds longer to upload then my cable-speed internet usually allows, I start thinking to myself "Gosh, this internet connection is horrible! There must be something wrong." We say to ourselves sometimes "I don't have all the time in the world"... But God does. It's all in front of Him. And when it comes to what we pray for, God answers our prayers in the fullness of time. EXACTLY WHEN HE KNOWS THEY MUST BE ANSWERED! This often isn't the time span we are hoping for. But can we not find faith in this, and truly find hope in this?!?! God answers our prayers! That shows that He truly does care for us! Every single one of us! Some times I think to myself, "How can God answer every single one of our prayers? I mean does He know how many people are on this earth?" Or I think to myself the moment I just prayed for patience, I find myself stuck behind THE SLOWEST DRIVER IN THE WORLD (not necessarily true, but we all live in hyperbole at some point right?) and I think to myself, "Great, God, I get it... You want me to practice this patience I asked for. Ok, I understand. I'll work on it" But then I think "How prideful am I to think that my little prayer for patience is such a concern for God that immediately He will provide me an opportunity to practice it and in such a way that He would work it out so that I would find myself behind this very slow driver?"... But then again, why wouldn't He? First of all, coordinating such an attack isn't too much for God! Who am I to put a ceiling on His glory and what He can do? And second of all, of course He cares for me enough to answer my prayers in such a way and in such a time that He seems fit for my salvation so that I can be as I was created and some day be with Him in Heaven. HE CARES FOR ALL OF US IN SUCH A WAY THAT HE WILL DO WHATEVER HE CAN DO TO BRING US SALVATION! (of course, keeping to our free will, the greatest gift He has ever given us out of His love. He will never force anything upon us, for He loves us too much. So sometimes, we have to answer our own prayers by the actions we must take. He still gives us the strength to do so if we but ask for it.)
What I'm getting at is that God ALWAYS ANSWERS OUR PRAYERS! Just not always in the time we want Him to. (And not necessarily in the way we want Him to either, but that's a topic for a whole different blog). So persevere! Continue praying for whatever is on your heart. If it's on your heart, it is there for a reason! God created all of our hearts for a reason! And eventually, in the fullness of time, in God's time (Kairos! Gotta love it!) your prayers will be answered. We must have patience, we must have trust, we must have faith. And we must always believe in the undeniable, unending love that God has for each of us.
So I end with the title of this blog... Time is on my side... For God is on my side...
Monday, November 8, 2010
It Begins...
There may be a few questions you are asking yourself right now as you read this. The first may be "Why is Chris starting a blog? He's got nothing good to say..." To which, you're probably right. The next may be "How did the name 'blog' come about for people to share their own thoughts and opinions on the world in the first place? That's kind of a weird name..." To which I would agree! How did that name come about? Or you may be asking "What did I have for breakfast this morning? Whatever it was, I hope it was delicious." If that's the case, then you and I are going to get along. (and I had a doughnut and a Hi-C Fruit Punch drink box... yes, I'm 5 years old.) But your final question may be "Why is the title of his blog 'My name is Chris, not Christ'? Isn't that a little prideful of him to put his name in the same sentence as Christ?" To which, here is my reply:
I'm not saying that I'm Christ. I'm saying that my name is close to Christ (add a "t" and you're there). There have been several times in my life where some one has misspelled my name by spelling it "Christ" rather than "Chris". In fact, I was talking to a good friend today on gchat who was telling me that when she texts using T9 word on her phone, if she starts typing in "Chris", it changes it to "Christ". There was another incident vivid in my mind when I was attending an AMAZING Steubenville of the Rockies event as a teen in Colorado. Before the Steubenville Conference (put on by these people http://www.franciscanyouth.com/ these are amazing experiences that, as a teen, truly formed a great foundation for my love for Christ) our entire group, which was like 3 bus loads full, would spend a few days camping at Noah's Ark near Buena Vista where we would go white water rafting and just have a blast. The day we got there, we were all assigned tents to sleep in, for there was to be no "purple". If you don't know what I'm talking about, ask a youth minister. So, my buddies and I scavenged the camp to find our tent. And finally we found the piece of paper that started off with a couple of their names. At the bottom of the paper was the name "Christ Walters"... Immediately I thought "Do they know something I don't?... Maybe they just think I'm really holy. Man, they are WAY OFF! But then again, maybe I am the second coming of Christ... No way! There's no way the second coming of Christ would have the flatulence that I have." (Some of that was added just now, the rest truly were my thoughts.) That's just an example of a time where an added "t" just added to my ego.
But really, the name goes deeper than that. In my life, I've always wanted to be like Christ for others. I'm not saying that when I was 3 I was trying to walk on water or anything (or maybe that's what I was trying to do that one time I almost drowned when my family lived in Guam). But more so, I believe I've always tried to live up to my name. Christopher. Which means "Christ bearer". People pleaser by nature. As my faith came along in high school, I really believed that being Christ for others was possible. Through my actions and the way I treated people, and at the same time realizing that judging others was not for me, but accepting others for who they are, that's how I believe I could be Christ for others. As that continued through high school and into college, I started realizing God was doing not only great things in me, but great things through me. And more often then I'd like to admit, I'd see those great deeds and think, in my prideful self, that they were great because of me. And even now, as a youth minister, it's hard to fight off the temptation to think the great things I may say or do or be a part of are from me. How foolish I can be...
Currently I'm participating in the "Preparation for Total Consecration according to Saint Louis Marie de Montfort", a preparation for consecrating oneself completely to Jesus Christ through Mary. (http://www.amazon.com/Preparation-Total-Consecration-Louis-Montfort/dp/0910984107, great practice!) This is something I learned from my days spending time with the great people at the St. Lawrence Catholic Campus Center at KU. I've done it probably 4 different times. And in it, it starts off with 12 days emptying oneself from the spirit of the world, then a number of days building up your knowledge of self, followed by days in the knowledge of Mary, and ending with days in the knowledge of Jesus Christ. Each day has certain prayers to pray, followed by a meditation.
Today's meditation was from the book "Imitation of Christ" and was titled "That man has no good of himself, and that he cannot glory in anything". The line that really captivated my interest in this meditation was "Lord, I am nothing, I can do nothing of myself, that is good..." And I realized, I, Chris Walters, can do nothing of myself. I can do nothing on my own. All the good that I have done, or that I am doing, or that I long to do, is not from me. But rather, as the meditation continued "but Thou, O Lord, art always the same, and endure unto eternity, ever good, just and holy, doing all things well, justly and holily and disposing them in wisdom". All that I have done, or all that I am doing, or all that I long to do that is good, comes from God alone. Not from me, but from our Lord. All good comes from God... And what a relief that is.
The truth is, my name is Chris, not Christ... Yes, good can be done through me, but it is only done THROUGH ME, not from me. For God, in His infinite wisdom and love and goodness longs to work through each of us. He longs to do good through you and me. And the beauty is that in His grace and love, He is a part of each and every one of us. There is Christ in all of us. More often than not, we get in the way of Christ. We act although Christ wants to act through us. But when we can just get out of the way, when we can just allow Christ to act in us, when we can just let Christ look through us and see Christ in others, and love the Christ in others, and work for the Christ in others, and not judge another for who they are or what they do or how they live or how they act, but to love them for we see God, we see Christ within them... That's when goodness occurs. That's when goodness becomes incarnate. That's when our life is not just "pretty good" but FULLY good. For in us is the fullness of Christ. We just have to step out of the way and allow that fullness to shine through. That's what it means to be "fully alive"... To be able to echo along with St. Paul in his letter to the Galatians when he says "yet I live, no longer I, but Christ lives in me..." (Galatians 2:20)
This is my pursuit. That I can some day say that it is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me... And this is the purpose of this blog. For my name is Chris, not Christ... But that doesn't mean Christ can not live through me. That does not mean Christ can not do His good through me. And that goes for you too. Christ can live through you... Christ can do good through you... The question we all must ask is, how much longer am I going to stand in His way?...
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